Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
