Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
