you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
