Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
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I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
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I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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