Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
