I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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