Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
