Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
