Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
