Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
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The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
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The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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