it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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