i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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