i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
