Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm sobbing to NWA
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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