just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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