New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
