after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
