i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
