We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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