You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
