i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
