he shaved USA in his pubs
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
