You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
