I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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