put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
