I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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