Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
