It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
