i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
