we have pet lesbian snakes
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
