Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
