That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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