I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
