I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
