I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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