____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
