So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
