oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
