Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
