so that wasnt chicken after all
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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