So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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