Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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