sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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