I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
