Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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