Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
