NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
