Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
