I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
