Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
