Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
