The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
