The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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