I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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