Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
