I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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