I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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